Recently, I shared a post written by another mom that really resonated with me. Unfortunately, I learned afterward that it had hurt someone, and that was never my intention. If anyone took it as me being unhappy with or ungrateful for my life, I'm genuinely sorry. That's not what I was trying to express.
But it did get me thinking about something that I don't think we talk about enough, especially as women and moms navigating midlife.
Can we be happy with the life we've built and still feel a little sadness for the life we once imagined?
I think we can.
Life Doesn't Always Go as Planned
When I was a young girl, I had dreams about what my life would look like when I grew up. Where I would live, what I would do, the places I would go, and the person I would become.
Some of those dreams came true, some changed, and others are still sitting somewhere in the back of my mind.
And that's life, isn't it?
I fell in love, got married, and became a mom to four amazing kids. We've built a life together that I'm incredibly grateful for, with so many memories and experiences I wouldn't trade for anything.
But somewhere along the way, some of those dreams I had when I was younger took a back seat.
Not because anyone made me put them there, but because life changes. Our priorities change. We make decisions based on what's best for our families, and sometimes the things we once imagined for ourselves don't quite fit into those plans anymore.
And while I don't regret those choices, I think it's okay to occasionally wonder about the things that might have been.
Grief Isn't Always About Losing Someone
I think when most of us hear the word grief, we automatically think about losing someone we love.
But grief can come in so many different forms.
After my surgery, I have grieved knowing that I'll never be able to bring another new life into this world. At the same time, I am so incredibly grateful for the four beautiful lives I've been blessed to bring into it.
I miss the days when my kids were little and needed me for everything. But I also love watching them grow, become independent, and turn into these amazing human beings with their own unique personalities, dreams and plans.
I sometimes miss the younger version of myself, when life seemed full of endless possibilities and I had no idea what was ahead of me.
And there are things I once imagined for my future that I'm beginning to realize may never happen the way I thought they would.
That doesn't mean I'm unhappy with where I am. It just means that sometimes I feel a little sadness for the things that have changed.
I think we can feel two things at once.
We can be grateful and still feel disappointed.
We can be happy and still have difficult days.
We can love the life we have and still miss parts of the life we imagined.
One feeling doesn't take away from the other.
Somewhere Along the Way, We Changed Too
There have been days when I've looked in the mirror and barely recognized the woman staring back at me.
And I'm not just talking about the wrinkles, the changing body, or all those other wonderful things that seem to come along with our 40s! (ugh!)
I'm talking about the person looking back at me.
The girl who once had all these dreams and plans. The woman who has spent years raising children, building a home, working, supporting others, balancing everyone's emotions, and trying to be a good wife, mom, friend, and everything else in between.
Sometimes I wonder where the years went.
I think as moms, we become so used to taking care of everyone else that we don't always stop to think about how much we've changed ourselves.
We've been making meals, driving kids to activities, remembering appointments, volunteering, planning family gatherings, managing schedules, balancing budgets, worrying about our kids, and trying to keep up with everything else life throws our way.
And sometimes, we’re carrying things that nobody else knows about. But we keep showing up, and we smile.
And somewhere in the middle of it all, we're changing too.
Our bodies change, our hormones change, our relationships change, and the things that once seemed so important to us sometimes don't matter nearly as much anymore.
I've always tried to be someone who shows up for others, keeps a smile on her face, and gets on with things, even when life feels a little overwhelming. I’ve closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and buckled down thinking it will be OK as long as I am OK.
And I know I'm not the only woman who does that.
Sometimes we keep our feelings to ourselves because we don't want to burden anyone else. Sometimes we're so busy making sure everyone else is okay that we forget to ask ourselves the same question.
And sometimes we just need a moment to figure out how we're feeling before we can even explain it to someone else.
But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm not supposed to be the same woman I was 20 years ago.
I've lived, loved, learned, made mistakes, experienced heartache, and celebrated some pretty incredible moments.
Of course I've changed.
And maybe instead of trying to find the woman I used to be, I need to appreciate the woman I've become.
When the Next Chapter Looks a Little Different
I think a lot of us imagine that once our children get older, life will slow down a little.
We'll have more time for ourselves, maybe travel more, revisit old hobbies, try something new, or finally do some of the things we've been putting off.
I know I've certainly had those thoughts.
But the funny thing about life is that it doesn't always follow the timeline we had planned.
Our kids grow up, but our responsibilities don't necessarily disappear. They just change.
Our parents get older. Family needs shift. New responsibilities come along, and suddenly that next chapter we pictured might look a little different.
And sometimes that's hard.
Not because we don't want to be there for the people we love, but because we had dreams for this stage of life too.
I think this is something a lot of women struggle to admit because we don't want to sound selfish or ungrateful.
We've spent so many years putting our families first that even thinking about what we want can feel a little uncomfortable.
But I don't think wanting time for ourselves, having dreams, or feeling disappointed when plans change makes us selfish.
I think it makes us human.
We can love being mothers and still want to explore other parts of who we are.
We can be devoted to our families and still have things we'd like to accomplish for ourselves.
And we can be thankful for everything we have while accepting that life hasn't turned out exactly as we once pictured.
She's Changed. And That's Okay.
I recently came across another post that started with the words, "She changed."
And it made me think.
Of course she changed.
She's raised a family, built a life, loved people deeply, and experienced things that have shaped who she is.
She's had moments of incredible happiness and moments when she's had to dig a little deeper to find her strength.
She's learning to let go as her children grow up, to set healthy boundaries, and to understand that she can't be everything to everyone all the time.
She's learning that it's okay to take care of herself, too.
And maybe she's finally starting to think a little more about what she wants the next part of her life to look like.
I don't think that's something we should feel guilty about.
I think it's something we should embrace.
We're Still Growing Too
One thing I'm learning as I get older is that it's okay if life doesn't look exactly the way I imagined it would.
There are things I miss about being younger. There are dreams that have changed, and there are moments I wish I could go back and experience just one more time.
But there are also so many things I appreciate about this stage of life.
I love watching my children become their own people. I appreciate the confidence that comes with getting older, the friendships that have stood the test of time, and the little things that I probably took for granted when I was younger.
And while I don't know exactly what the next chapter will look like, I know there are still things I want to do, places I want to see, and experiences I want to have.
Maybe they won't happen the way I originally imagined.
Maybe some won't happen at all.
But that doesn't mean there aren't wonderful things still ahead.
So if you're a woman who has ever looked in the mirror and wondered where the years went, who misses the days when her children were little, or who sometimes thinks about the dreams she had when she was younger, I hope you know you're not alone.
You can be grateful for your life and still have moments of sadness.
You can love your family with everything you have and still need a little time for yourself.
And you can be proud of the woman you've become while still figuring out who you want to be.
I wouldn't trade the life I've lived, but I'm still learning to make peace with the life I imagined.
And I think that's okay.
Because as much as we've spent the past several years helping our children grow and discover who they are, we're still growing and figuring things out too.
And there's still so much life left to live.
